AN ALARM sounded in a government monitoring center. It’s suspected one might, anyway. No one of accountability has ever admitted as much.
It’s unknown precisely how The Secret Department for Interdimensional Research and Defense (S.D.I.R.D.) is alerted when dangerously expired cartons of milk and milk substitute products are at risk. To this day, the secret behind their 0.912 second response time remains top secret and the envy of medical and disaster response services worldwide. The board of directors of The S.D.I.R.D. is made up of physicists, biomolecular chemists and astrophysicists (this is among the only verifiable information available aside from the fact that it exists and receives funding).
When seeking annual funding from the federal government, a department representative customarily reads a prepared statement however is rarely required to read beyond the third paragraph because phrases like “the demolition of humankind,” “effectively terminate all plant and animal life as we know it,” and “not even cockroaches would survive” are adequate to strike terror into hearts of averagely educated, unreasonably wealthy men. Thus, most funding is provided upon request if only to cease the reading of scary scientific paraphrasing.