Since leaving his job at the hospital, my brother Anton has continued to teach public health at the university while also being an inspector for the county health department.
His health department job involves the inspections of pools, specific types of kitchens, long term care facilities, mobile home parks, etc. within a designated zone and includes a lot of wandering around properties and businesses with a clipboard while inadvertently looking vaguely suspicious.
Here are a few of his adventures.
A Bunch of Crap
On the property of a mobile home park, Anton walked up and down the rows of housing units with his metal clipboard, working. When doing his walk-throughs, he can only inspect what is visible. He is not permitted to move or open things to look for violations.
“Hey!” someone shouted.
Anton stopped.
A thin, bent old African American man wearing a white tank top and sweat pants with socks and sandals stood on the step of a nearby unit. He had a walking cane in one hand and a tiny silver-and-tan dog in the other.
“I’ve never seen you around here before,” snapped the old man, squinting at him. “Who are you and what are you doin’ walkin’ around here!”
Anton produced his ID and introduced himself, explaining the reason for his presence.
“Hmm…” The old man looked him up and down. “Come with me.”
The old man proceeded to guide Anton to an inconspicuous area of the park and lifted a small hatch in the ground to reveal a serious sewage-related violation.
Anton arched his brows. Flipped open his clipboard of forms and pulled a black pen from his pants pocket. Per the law, Anton could only inspect what was plainly visible in mobile home parks. Technically, since he didn’t open the little hatch himself—someone showed it to him—it counted. “Yup. That’s bad.”
The old man shook a bony finger at the violation. “Stick it to the management, Mr. Inspector. Then maybe those cheapskates will finally spend some money to fix stuff up around there.”
The Lady at the Desk
Parking in front of a hotel, Anton grabbed his materials and government ID and went inside via the main entrance. Two employees looked up from behind the front desk, one of whom was the daytime manager.
Smiling politely, Anton greeted them and showed his credentials. “Hi, I’m with the health department and I’m here to inspect the pool.”
The manager was extremely displeased to see him. “The pool is closed.”
“I still need to inspect it.”
She made no move to comply. “That doesn’t make any sense. It’s closed. Why do you want to inspect it when nobody’s using it anyway?”
“It’s mandatory, ma’am.”
“Well, I don’t have the key anyway. Juan has the key.”
“Okay.”
The manager stared at him as if waiting for him to leave.
“Ma’am, would you please call Juan?”
Sighing loudly, the manager snatched up a corded desk phone and made a call. “Juan, the HEALTH DEPARTMENT is here. He wants to see the pool which is closed anyway.” She slammed the phone down in the cradle. “He’ll be here in a minute.” And she glared at Anton in silence until the sound of closing door broke the stillness.
A dark-haired Hispanic man in a subdued maintenance uniform hustled from down a corridor. Spotting Anton, the man offered a firm handshake and an easy smile. “Hey, man, how are you? I’m Juan.”
“Hey, Juan, I’m Anton. I just need to inspect the pool real quick, it won’t take long.”
“I gotcha. This way.”
Anton fell in step beside Juan as they headed across the atrium to glass doors leading out to the rear patio, which was currently locked. He could feel the manager’s glare burning a hole in the back of his head.
As Juan unlocked the patio door, Anton said quietly, “She’s not very nice.”
Juan lowered his voice, too. “Sorry about that.”
Birds, Birds Everywhere
Under a hot late morning sun, Anton arrived at a mobile home park and immediately came across a friendly family giving each other haircuts in front of their home. He stopped to say hello and chatted for a few minutes before moving on.
“Alright.” Chuckling, Anton started walking away. “You guys have a nice day.”
“You, too,” said the grandmother who had a comb and pair of scissors. “Oh, and watch out for the peacocks.”
Peacocks? He pulled a face as he started his rounds. No one had ever said that to him before.
The park was humble but well-kept. It had received few to no violations in the past five years and, as anticipated, the first few rows were perfect.
As he turned down the middle-most row of units, a peacock with a massive train of gem-like feathers blocked the paved path.
“Whoa.” Anton stopped and marveled. “That’s so cool…”
The beautiful animal paid him little mind and carried on with its bird business.
Anton moved on as well, smiling to himself. He hadn’t seen a peacock up close in ages. “Aw dang! I should’ve gotten a picture.”
Nearly to the end of the inspection, Anton moved to begin walking the final row of homes and noticed a couple of peacocks perched on the roof of the mobile home on the end. He eagerly took a few pictures.
A few homes later, a sideways glance between two homes gave him a view of the property’s border: a long, old diamond wire fence. Beyond the fence, a muster of at least 25+ peacocks were browsing an overgrown field, eating bugs. A small sea of beautiful birds, glittering in the sun.
That’s when Anton realized that the roofs of the remaining half dozen homes, on his left and right, were completely lined with peacocks. Side by side. Staring down at him. None of them moved, none of them made a sound.
Stopping short, Anton stared back. “Hi… Guys…” He proceeded to edge cautiously along the path to hopefully finish his inspection without any feathery trouble.
The birds’ dark little eyes followed him intently.
“I’m just walkin’ around… doin’ my job… you’re all really cool but please stay up there…”
Anton, despite continuing at a slower pace, completed the job without inciting any flashy feathered riots.
Chlorine! and Dead Fish
Anton arrived at the vacant pool of an apartment complex via a black gate and made a beeline to inspect the pump room before kneeling at the edge of the pool where he cracked open a blue pool-water test kit.
Moments later, he scrutinized the water readings with a frown. He ran the test a second time. The chemicals were… well, there were no chemicals.
A man in tan pants and a polo shirt with a logo for the management company walked on deck and, upon seeing Anton, slapped his own forehead.
“Gah!” cried the man, aka the pool guy. “You’re with the health department aren’t you!”
Anton paused in the middle of repacking the pool test kit. “Yeah.”
Shaking his head, the pool guy put his hands on his hips with a grimace. “Yeah, man, there’s no chlorine in it.”
“I know.”
“The chlorine is supposed to come today, I swear. I’m-I’m waiting for the delivery.”
“Sorry, if it’s not balanced before I leave the area, I’m gonna have to document the violation.”
“Man, my manager’s gonna kick my ass.”
Anton’s next inspection location was the pool of a condo directly across the street. Everything was perfect at that location with the exception of a fish head floating in the pool which Anton scooped out with a pool net. Interestingly, finding a partly eaten fish in the pool within a stone’s throw of the beach wasn’t uncommon. A bird probably dropped it while flying overhead.
As Anton returned to his truck parked near the street, he noticed a delivery truck in front of the apartment complex across the street and the pool guy on the curb, waving excitedly at Anton, indicating a container in his hand.
“It’s here!” The pool guy shouted, “It’s the chlorine!”
The appropriate chemicals were added and balanced in the apartment pool in Anton’s presence and thus the inspection was recorded as ‘satisfactory’.
Needless to say, the pool guy was over the moon.
Duri Rolvsson 